Twilight-Uncensored Ch.6Review

Review of Chapter Six
From Twilight
By Stephenie Meyer




So after many long days of keeping this thing as far from my physical person as possible, I must return to complete my duty. What is my duty you ask? Killing myself very slowly in the worst possible way ever. So, in order to do this task, I grab Sheepie and the copy of Twilight I borrowed from the bookstore with no intention of returning. [No, I'm dead serious, I may have apprehended that book without legal rights to do so.]

For a brief [and we mean brief] recap:

Bella Swan moves to Forks.
Meets Edward Sexy Pants.
Nothing of importance happens.

There. You're caught up.

I mean, I could delve into unnecessary detail about what happened in the five previous torture sessions I've put myself through for your sick entertainment, but then you'd just be lazy assholes. Go read the previous five chapters, you bastards.

_{I'm just kidding, I love you...somewhat.}

So, I begin this chapter with Princess Bella reading Macbeth like the wonderful student she is, and giving us the lowdown of how much she hopes to see Edward again. Her friend Jessica asks about the whole scenario in the last chapter with Bella going ape shit over the smell of pricked finger blood.  Which, I still can't get over. I wonder if I could get away with calling out of work if I pricked my finger and pretended to faint. …Well, then again, I tried cutting off a finger and they still made me work…Damnit all.

Bella describes Jessica in such a preppy girl fashion that it doesn't even seem real. I mean like flipping her hair, jealous kind of thing. Damn Bella, you really are a blank canvas to insert myself into this. That way, I can pretend that your description of Jessica is that gay boy that always tries to steal my boyfriend. So, not only is Bella a self insertable figure, but so are her friends and dad! I just plug in the names of people I know. AWESOME.

It's like reading a Quizilla "choose your ending" adventure story.

Too far?

Nah, Quizilla is much better.

…Maybe.

Oh and this is comedic bronze [not quite gold yet], at this point Bella overhears another stereotypical blond bimbo making sneer-like commentary about how "why doesn't [she] just sit with the Cullens from now on."  

Operation 'make everyone in the universe jealous of her, love her, or nonexistent in the world of Bella' is underway! If you don't care about Bella, then you are not real. If you think you are, then you are a lie. When you're done reading this, you will disappear. Write up your will before you finish reading this review. SHIT. I better write up my will before I finish writing this revi



































Just kidding.

The next break-in scene leads to a paragraph of shit that I'm not really sure I have any idea what she's talking about. She wakes up that particular morning and apparently Bella is in awe of the sun being in the sky.

"Well, I'll be damned," Bella says with a face contorted into surprise, "the sun, does in fact, appear to float in that big blue thing! And those fluffy things! WOW. I mean, they kinda look like they're in the wrong place…but that's cool. But, if I like…walk away, it might disappear! FFFFFFF."

I've gathered after a few paragraphs of seagreen barf scattered across some pages, that Bella is actually going on a group trip and as she arrives on the scene, we get to know the names of every fucking tard-muffin that appears…In like two sentences.

"So then Bill and James, and Devenonticanika, and Melissa, and Raven and Samantha were there…. oh and that bitch who said mean things about me because I'm totally prettier than her and scored the sexy Edward Cullen….what was her name? Oh, I think it was Taylor Swift. She's probably gonna write a song about how mean I am and how jealous she is of me. Woe is me!"

Also given to us, is the name of some of the vehicles involved, okay… Edward has a Volvo [vagina] and the two other boys have a Suburban and a Sentra [titty A and titty B.]

Bella has the older, manly Truck [the beefy cock].

Are we seeing the picture here? Bella is more masculine than anything that's supposed to have a dangly between his legs in this series.

In chapter one, Bella complains about how everything to "too green". BAW, Nature is too Nature-y! Here in chapter six, and I quote: "It was only fifteen miles to La Push from Forks, with gorgeous, dense green forests edging the road most of the way" and "I was glad I had the window seat."  Of course, she said that the "too green" was beautiful. But she expressively called it an "alien planet". I guess Bella has finally come to the conclusion she's actually just a shell of a human with a parasitic alien called "the reader" in her body, so now it doesn't feel so alien after all.

Oh nice. As I read this through, Bella describes the beach edge as having a thin area of sand that drags on to the area of rocks that look gray but are actually a plethora of colors. One of which is seagreen. That's the color I used to describe the flowery barf of text that I read a few paragraphs ago! It's like Meyer knows!

Augh, I'm being negative again. Quick, say something nice!

Uh….

UH….

EDWARD HASN'T SHOWN UP YET!

Wait, is that considered nice?

_{Other than for my personal happiness?}

I know, I know, I'm being bitchy. I'm supposed to be doing this as objectively as possible! I'm just getting impatient as nothing of any relevance to anything ever has happened. Shape up, David.

Sheepie, have a hug.

Now…let's do this!

…Hm, I'm thinking back, and her dad mentioned something about bears…Can I hold on to some hope in something coming from that? Bears? Yes please.

…Now for some SCIENCE!

In this particular part of the chapter, they set up camp and the boys set up a driftwood fire. Now, there's a myth about driftwood fires, in that the salt content will turn the fire blue. While yes, a driftwood fire can be blue/bluish-green, it is not from the salt, as Meyer has one of the boys explaining.

ScienceCompany.com and Wikipedia—yes, I know ew wiki!—[among many other websites I've had to utilize so I can back up my science knowledge] verify that Sodium Chloride [NaCl] burns bright yellow. Not blue! Methane resulting from heat break down is probably what's turning it blue.

Nice Science fail, miss Mormon!

Anyway, they decide to split up and Bella goes hiking with the others. All excited to see some whirlpools or something. She just sits there and like…watches sea-things do what sea-things do. I rolled my eyes when she had to toss in "well of course I fell down and it was cute because I'm Bella, lololol". Come on. Really? Just tossing in some "well I fell downs" does not equate to a character flaw.

I mean if this is how we determine flaw… I guess the highlight character flaw in me is the inability for my toe to miss making love to the leg of my desk.

Dear Toe, I know you love the desk leg, but you and the desk leg aren't compatible. And…let's face it. Every time you go running to it, you just end up hurt and broken…only to recover and do it all over again. This relationship is not healthy. We must break this pattern.

As they move back to camp, they introduce a bunch of random Native American strangers, and tell you about how they do this and that in such a mindless and "can I skip over this?" kind of way. Augh, this is just…. Sheepie…I need you. Let me hug you, my precious pink sheep.

Oh look! Random boy takes special interest in the reade- I mean Bella! It's Jacob! Yay! Finally, something's maybe happening eventually!

At this point, we get another long "we'll tell you, even though we really don't feel like it and we're just trying to get to the good part" paragraph, letting us know everyone split up and Bella is alone and this is clearly a setup for Jacob. Now, I know this isn't exactly grade A writing, but it's seeming to actually get worse as I've moved through. At least the previous chapters were scarcely peppered with info or insight to something other than "Jim and Cantaracles walked that way, and Allison and Josephinalia went over there, while Gloria and Testacles [pronounced like Hercules, I'll have you know] moved away so sexy boy can saunter over and fawn on me".

I am trying to find something good about this chapter. But it's getting somewhat hard when I'm having trouble keeping up with names. I have no idea who Angela was…and I think there is an Allison in there, but I'm not sure if she matters. And to top it off, it's made note that there's two Jessicas. Wonderful….Just…wonderful. Note to any writer with self respect, if the character doesn't matter, don't introduce them in a group of five hundred at the same time. Names will be forgotten, the amounts of shits given will be reduced to a fraction of a percent of the negative square root of the nothing I already gave prior to giving less.

Make sense of that.

I want a mathematical formula of that probability by the time you comment. Damn it.

She introduces Jacob by describing him…admittedly, so far, he sounds delicious. Dark skin, long dark hair…strangely reminds me of my boyfriend…She talks about how he has a pretty face, and you know…I can dig this. So far, I'm not hating the very existence of Jacob. When Bella states [and I quote] "my positive opinion of his looks was damaged by the first words out of his mouth" –wherein he says "You're Isabella Swan, aren't you?"

Now hold the fuckin cell phone in the middle of the woods so it effectively blocks out reception and forces attention entirely on me. Quit texting while reading this you little brats, I'm on to you.  

Why on Earth, would Bella's opinion about his appearance change because of his words? This…makes no sense. Like, thinking about this…I cannot even understand the concept. Like, if I call someone a piece of fuckballs, will they think my hair is purple? No. Fuck no. Not unless they're rolling an LSD patch.

He asks her about her name, because it turns out her dad bought her truck from his dad! Look at that! Bella was all being "SIGH, another person who knows the famousness that is me", then she was all like "Oh okay! Never mind, you actually don't care enough to stalk me like everyone else in this godforsaken town that loves me forever and ever, amen!"

Long story short, Bella knew his two sisters. One of which is named Rachel. The other….and you might all wanna pause for dramatic effect if you didn't know already…If the last name is family wide… her name…is….

Rebecca Black.

Yup. This is a sign.

This book's writing is equivalent to autotuned vocals in music.

Jacob and Bella talk about cars or shit. Jacob apparently builds them, which is a ton more sexy than anything Eddytard does. Actually, I'm kinda digging this Jacob brat, until Meyer finds a reason to destroy everything decent about him.

He makes a statement about knowing Bella since he was born…but that kinda went against the previous conversation of "no, I'm the youngest of the family—you'd remember my older sisters".

Don't lie Jacob! That's ruuuude!

They go into some mini-drama where this girl brings up the Cullens while she badgers Bella. She seems to dislike Bella. It's the jealousy! But the point of that was, some other dude was like: "Nope. No Cullens allowed in my treehouse."

Bella comes up with a brilliant idea here….Operation "Flirt with a fifteen year old boy because I have no idea why the fuck I think I can be sexy. I'm Bella, I make no sense!" is underway!

Basically, she's buttering him up with flattery to make him tell her more about the Cullens and perhaps why they're not allowed in that little reservation that they are currently in. And behold! Her method to make him spill his shit works.

Long story made much less obnoxious: Jacob tells a tale of his "could be, maybe, sort of, obviously, they are" Werewolf ancestors, and the "cold ones", who are obvious the Cullen Vampire Squad. Wolf home-bros said "yo, get off our land, and we won't tell the white devils that you're gonna suck their blood and rape their virgins. [lol I made that last part up]". He then clarifies that yes, they're fuckin vampires.

Like we didn't know that from the damn cover sheet of the book. Yeesh.

All in all, Bella admitted to using that poor boy like a condom in a whorehouse, but at least she's honest in this one situation. Though, she says she liked him. I guess that makes up for being a slimy bitch.

The one thing I did like is Jacob. Out of the character selection, he seems like the only one that actually isn't a template for a self insert…then again. I'm sure we'll get that opportunity later.

I do find it funny, that this whole chapter felt like it took place over the span of like 20 minutes. The way it was written lacked the depth enough for me to really feel the time elapsed, so it really just looked like a 20 minute trip to sit out, look at some whirlpools, talk to a werewolf/native kid and then saddle up and head home.

Bam, end of the chapter.
Am I dead yet?

No?

Fuck. That means I have to do the next chapter.


--
David