Twilight-Uncensored Ch.2Review

Review of Chapter Two
From Twilight
By Stephenie Meyer

Okay, so I'm back again with the second chapter of Twilight.

Just like last time, I'm going to start off by saying that I'm going into this with a perspective that may be harsh, too critical and possibly laced with more F-bombs than an Eminem song. I'm giving you the view of Twilight as raw from me as possible. This is also just for fun guys. I'm not torturing myself too much, because I love to rant and rave like the next bastard and you like to be entertained. Don't lie. Fuckers.

Last time I started on the book with the preface and chapter one; introducing the character Bella and a brief glimpse of Edward Cullen. Bella is "new" to Forks—despite being from Forks and visiting every summer for fourteen years. Her first day of school and run-in with the teen heart throb Edward Cullen has left her off in the previous chapter as having a break down in her little go-go mobile.

And this is where we begin the illustrious journey into chapter two.

First paragraph in and Bella is being escorted by Cloud Mike, with the Nerd Boy, Eric showing some jealousy, I guess. Now, this scene is unimportant but in there Meyer wrote the following:

"Mike came to sit by me in English, and walked me to my next class, with Chess Club Eric glaring at him all the while; that was nattering."

Of course, I've curiously looted around and noticed that several of the printed books have fixed that pesky nattering error, making it into the sentence "that was flattering." This led me to think maybe the first book I read was perhaps wrong. But as I viewed more versions and noted several questions in forums around the internet about this word, I realized that this was the original printed version.

Nattering. I'd….honestly never heard that term used, so I whipped out my trusty dictionary.

intr.v. nat•tered, nat•ter•ing, nat•ters
To talk idly; chatter.

It was only after about twenty more minutes of search did I find a little gem here from yourdictionary.com:

Natter: To nag, grumble, complain (mostly Scotland and Northern England).

I think Bella is Scottish.

But this leads me to believe that the earliest prints had either had Bella as a fine lass from the other side of the sea, or the word nattering was a typo. I'm still not quite sure, but I found the inconsistency annoying on the principle that I spent way too much time wondering if it was a typo or she's using words that are too vague for its audience. Sadly, because of Meyer's style, I still don't know if it was a typo or simply wrong word.

Regardless, this nattered the hell out of me.

So, second paragraph and I actually just laughed. I can't help it, the meat of the text boasts no foul against the story or the character, but let me give you the first few words of each sentence in the chapter as she prattles on about her misery:

It was worse…
It was worse…
It was miserable…
And it was worse…

Now, I do understand Meyer was trying to explain Bella's "today was better because…" and "today was worse because…." issue…But…like…I don't even know. It's not necessarily "wrong"… but…

I just laughed at the sentence layout. In fact, I don't even remember what happened in that paragraph. But it was pretty fuckin bad. Actually, it was worse than bad. It was worse than worse…miserably worse. Worse than miserably worse! Fuck, now that word sounds funny.

I really need to move this along.

Bella is in her mind now, thinking about how she wanted to confront the illustrious Edward Sexbeast Cullen. She then admits she's a chicken shit, but in here I notice her comparison is "Cowardly Lion looks like the terminator" compared to her chicken ass [and Terminator in the original text was not capitalized as it should have been.]

The Terminator is awesome, but that started me thinking. If the Cowardly Lion looks like the Terminator compared to Bella, then what the hell does the Terminator look like?

SATAN?

Not that the reference was bad, I just ended up enjoying the thought of Terminator S1000 more than this story.

Bella seems to be flittering back and forth with her feelings. Actually, strangely I found myself believing Bella as a character right here. She's a teen and I'm well aware that there are teens who are so instantly fixated on things that interest them, but I'm not gonna let that stop me from saying that it's creepy as fuck that she's so worried about a dude who hasn't said a word to her yet. She's watching for him at the lunch table, and then hoping he'll be there in Biology to ignore her…Okay, she wants him to ignore her, but she's upset he's not there? Yeah…That has to be a particular insecure teen thing.

Also, bitch, quit calling Mike your Golden Retriever. That's Cloud motherfucking Strife, you whore.

After Bella's better, worse, worse, miserable, worse day; she decides to go shopping for food because of course she can cook. Her dad's a terrible male who can only make eggs and bacon. In the course of this new mission, she notices the Cullens and Hale twins, minus one steamy sex muffin Edward. She talks about them briefly, noting that they were clearly wealthy by their clothes and the way they carried themselves.

Her omnipotence sinks its claws in a little when she says: "the isolation must be their desire." Having never seen them up close, or having spoken a word to them, I find it strange the switch in tone right here and how Bella just seems to know. This is an obvious foreshadowing, but it's not well placed from my perspective.

I mean, what if they didn't want isolation? What if they simply went into seizures and shit their pants every time someone got within five feet? What if it was a medical condition? What if they were vampires! I mean holy fu-

Nah.

And damn it Bella. Why won't you let me be creepy? I wanna know what you bought at the store. _{Come on Bella.Just tell me a little.}

Well, she goes on to tell us about her doing homework and then checks her email. This part made me cringe at the Bella character very hard. Her mother emailed her a few times, wondering if Bella made it okay from her flight. Now, I understand that things can get hectic after a move. Remember from my last review, I have moved way too many fucking times, so I totally understand. But you would think Bella should have the decency to at least tell her mom: "Hey bitch, before you start jumpin on my tits, I made it here."

Bella mentions that she's reading a book for English class, for the fun of it. I ignored the statement last chapter about how she's read everything from Chaucer to Your Fucking Mother, but this now seems like Bella knows everything. The first chapter I could relate to because I've been moved from schools and to other schools where I'd already done the material, but every…single…book? Okay.

Now Bella is talking with her father.

I like her father. I actually fucking do. He's willing to leave a loaded gun that I can imagine Bella shooting her head off with, that is brownie points for him. No, but seriously; he's coming off to me as a normal divorced dad, or at least I assume they're divorced.  Granted, when Bella asks about the Cullens, he monologues a heroic speech about the good Doctor. Cutting in another chance for the characters to remark how beautiful the Cullen/Hale family is.

Small tiny little note here, she actually mentioned how she washes dishes by hand, not dishwasher. You go girl. Don't be a sissy bitch, wash them dishes the right way. No, that was not sarcasm. Though…I'm noticing, very early on, the "wifely" role Bella slides right into. She's doing wifely duties for her father…she did  the same shit for her mom apparently. Wifely duties done for her mother…Her mother can't cook either…just like her father.

By the given characteristics, I'm led to believe Bella's mother is a man in disguise. If Bella's mom is just like her but with shorter hair and laugh lines, then Bella must be a man too.

Holy balls.

I didn't even know I could top off the BS meter with my own sack of bullshit.

Jokes aside; after the first week, Bella was able to recognize if not name almost all of the students at the school. Of course you can Bella. You're the author. You make them up as you go. It is, after all, completely logical to think one girl can learn names and memorize faces of almost all students in a three-hundred student school…you know, considering she simultaneously goes to every class in every grade.

It took me a month to recognize and name half the faces of the seventy people I work with. I'm just not as cool as Bella.

Speaking of cool, now she feels comfortable in Forks. That is a black to white tone switch from the "I'm a fucking freak" and "I'll never fit in ever" attitude. But I'm leaving that alone as I can relate that to being a teenager with the paranoia of moving schools. Though, I never had Cloud a kid named Mike hit on me. Where's the fucking love?

It's funny that Bella doesn't like snow, as she tells Mike when it starts to flutter down. I find this funny; because she hates snow, yet is obsessed with a man who has already been portrayed as colder than Planet Pluto.

And fuck you, Pluto is a planet. Blues Clues told me so.

"Sure [snow] was drier than rain, until it melted in your socks."
Well put your shoes back on, you fuck. Or did anyone else remember that in chapter one Bella said she has water proof boots for this town? If those boots are able to block out splashing water, then they'll block out snow. And before someone notes that she has to be wearing different shoes; chapter one even states that her winter wardrobe was scarce.

Oh, Edward Dreamy Sexy Face Cullen is back. Bella's still caught up in worrying he hates her, but he's all super again.

Now, back to the part where I over analyze things, but here:
"At that precise moment, his eyes flashed over to meet mine. I dropped my head, letting my hair fall to conceal my face. I was sure, though, in the instant our eyes met, that he didn't look harsh or unfriendly as he had the last time I'd seen him. He looked merely curious again, unsatisfied in some way."

Again, I'm looking too deeply, but this pinpoints another very, extremely minute case of omniscience. Bella only met eyes with him for a split second, from several tables over. Yet somehow she managed to catch; A. he didn't look harsh or unfriendly, B. looked curious, and C. Unsatisfied. All of that coming from a flash of his eyes meeting hers.

To test the possibility of this in reality, I asked my companion to look at me in different ways. He sat across from me and I stared at him, eye to eye, for about five minutes. He wrote down the "nature" of his stare and I set out to guessing.

How the fuck was I suppose to know the look he gave me was one of "I'm thinking about Donkey Kong?"

I mean, my guess was "confidence."

So really, just looking in someone's eyes does not always say enough. Not to mention for a split second. The flow of the story doesn't take the reader away from that belief though. You keep on believing that what she says is about right. That's the technique of the style. Simplistic. Boring. And easily malleable.

Now, here's the part where Bella leaves her little friends, smiles about the rain ruining everyone's planned snow fun [the bitch] and goes to her biology.

Enter the dreamy stallion, Edward Cullen.

I must admit here, the introduction of Edward Cullen into verbal communication was actually better done than I expected. He says "hello." …Albeit Bella says with a musical voice. Instantly I imagined: Edward stars in Cats: the Broadway Musical. Other than the silly bullshit description, it was actually rather normal, plain even.

Here's where I continued my verbal display of amusement.

"His dazzling face was friendly, open, a slight smile on his flawless lips. But his eyes were careful."

How many more descriptions can she throw in there for his perfect everything? But the thing that still makes me go: Eh? He has careful eyes. Now, I know this is a teen book, but come the fuck on. Would it have killed kittens to write something that makes more sense? What could his eyes be careful of? I think perhaps if I was her editor I would have encouraged something more along the lines of:

"But his eyes were deeply guarded, watching me carefully."

I know; little things, David, quit being a dick.

However, here comes a perfect tie in to the last review:

Edward says when she asks how he knew her name: "Oh, I think everyone knows your name. The whole town's been waiting for you to arrive."

So like…haha…Okay, let me work this out.

Bella has gone back to Forks every summer for fourteen years.
She some how knows no one.
She gets there and wonders how she never noticed the Cullen/Hale family.
Forgetting she didn't know anyone anyway
Then Edward says everyone knew her name and was waiting for her.
Yet…they all stare at her like she's a two headed rhino with corn cobs shooting out its ass.
Despite the fact that everyone is familiar with her law enforcer father.
Edward, mind you, has been absent after her first day of school.
Somehow instinctively calls her Bella, when it's proper to speak first names in entirety first.
He just knew apparently.

I don't even know what to make of that shit supreme taco.

The teacher finally does his fucking job and gets out the slides. They're supposed to work in partners to put the cell slides in order of the mitosis phases. And it would be no wonder Bella can do it. I did too. In middle school. So I found it somewhat cute Bella thought she was showing off. Perhaps she was, to a mentally challenged duck maybe.

I gotta back track a second, right before Bella tries to show her massive intelligence off, Edwards says: "Ladies first, Partner." And then falters when she stares at him, quickly adding: "Or I could start, if you wish." I'm probably the only person on the planet who laughed because I missed reading the "or" the first time. Hahaha. Well, he's so pretty it blinded me. Edward, you'd make a fine woman. Since Bella's a dude from my previous assessment, you'd still be canon!

Oh dear, I'm getting ahead of myself again.

Edward touches Bella's hand and shocks her slightly, pulling away from her quickly. His skin is cold, she says. This is so far the only scene in this book that leaves a little wonder. If you didn't already know from the massive shit hole of screaming fans, you'd probably have figured some supernatural shit at this point.

The entire time I kept thinking that Edward had potential to be badass if his touch was like lightening. He'd beat Aquaman's ass.

Back to the awkwardness between them; she spends a bit noting the change in his eye color. I now have a vivid image of Edward's eyes. Turns out his are shit colored too. Just like mine.

Oh Edward, can't you see? We have so much in common! A match made in heaven. Oh you perfect piece of perfect beautiful perfection, you should come whisk me away. I'm supposed to be able to slip myself into the story right? By my previous logic, Bella's a man in disguise. I'm a man. It's still canon! This is like a "choose your own adventure" almost. I choose to kill myself following the end of this review.

No. Not really. I need to wait for Edward to come whisk me away. If not…then that Cloud Mike kid is still available.

Finally, Bella tells us why the balls she moved to the town she hates so much. Edward asks her [and I think he asked her simply out of innocent boredom, but she's making it look like he's obsessed with her little bullshit] and she says it's because her mom's new husband moves a lot. Mommy was getting sad, and Bella wanted her mommy to be happy. That's so noble of her.

The conversation goes back and forth between them and it feels so forced you'd think every word were a baby being squeezed out. If I ever heard a crappy "he said", "she said", script in my life. It would be that. Edward, seems to have taken such a quick notice to her it almost seems like his character isn't being defined, so much as changing for Bella's situations. He is just as malleable as the writing style.

Bella is back to being Bella again, sneaking peeks at him to find him sneaking peeks at her. And the hilarious part, she's weirded out by how he's staring at her. Wasn't she doing the exact same thing? Shit, she was thinking about him before his velvety sex-laced voice danced like magic in her ears.

This chapter ends with Bella in her truck again. Being a terrible driver, then remarking how it almost seemed like Edward was laughing at her.

He was trollin.

Truth be told, this chapter was filled with horrible dialogue and silly examples of Bella being stuck up [did we mention she's an honor student? Hurr hurr], but this chapter also presented me with a lot of opportunity to make up my own little imaginative scenarios.

Terminator S1000 will now be added to my arsenal of cool shit that I wish was real. I would happily die an honorable death to a Satan Bot. Holy h…Maybe that's why Bella was so happy to die in the preface!

It was the S1000!

In closing, this chapter didn't have as many painfully obvious things to complain about. The nattering thing from the beginning still makes me wonder if this is just a freak happening I found in this book. I mean, I'm seeing it; others apparently did too.

I feel like I didn't swear enough in this chapter. Fuck. Shit. Ass. Bitch. Dick.

There. I feel like I made up for it.

Ha.

David.