Twilight-Uncensored Ch.4Review

Review of Chapter Four
From Twilight
By Stephenie Meyer

Quick recap from previous chapters tell you that Bella Swan moved to Forks because she's a masochist, every boy in the world must be in love with her [even if they're gay] and Tyler's van didn't succeed in its assassination mission. Quite a riveting tale, no?

So here I go again, with my bag of F-bombs, Wonka Runts, the Terminator 4 Sound Track and a crappy book that's probably not even worth being drug across my ass.

Mainly because who really wants hard paper on their backside? I don't. I like my soft tissue. It's got puppies and shit on the logo.

In the beginning of this chapter, Bella described a dream where apparently Edward has a severe case of radiation and probably need to be contaminated. She's trying to run toward him and can't seem to catch up.

For god's sake woman, hasn't anyone told you not to go toward the light? You like…die or something. Is it just me, or is Edward being the light in this dark dream world some kind of crappy symbolism?

Don't go to the Twilight. Reading this book will kill you. Stop doing it.

As if Bella wasn't the center of attention enough, apparently the accident from the previous chapter gets her even moar! She's being followed by the kid who almost killed her and she's whining about how he's trying to makes amends, describing him as a potentially new "unwelcome fan".

Wow. I suppose I should tell the next person who wants to make amends with me to go fuck himself. In the ass. While he's doing that, grab a mirror and a camera and take pictures so I can post them on the internet.

Apparently in the crazy accident, no one but Bella had seen Edward standing on the other side of the world from her, before he Instant Transmissioned over to her. Of course, this is explained in the fact that only Bella was so aware of the hot mother fucker. And of course, no one would even think of asking him what happened. Since the accident [a week later by this point] Eddy-pie had gone back to being a total bitch-tits and the only possible reason could be that he regretted not letting the van exact its revenge.

Well, regardless of the Van's failure, Edward-chan decided that he's not gonna have anything to do with Bella. So Bella watches him like a creeper. I mean…seriously. She watches him so hard his eyes change colors. Which I still find funny, as she would have to make it pretty damn obvious she was watching him for her to notice his eyes changing colors from a golden color to black. Considering it's not something you can notice from staring at the back of someone's head.

Then again, this is Bella. She can see Edward's eyes change from the other side of a brick wall. Without a Portal Gun, mind you.

Without Edward to pretend to give a single flying fuck about her, she's fallen into a serious depression. [Gotta love the simplicity of teenage problems]. She does have a little reason to be upset, considering he hasn't explained jack shit to her, but really…Bella…If I was Edward, I would have lied to you and then gone to your truck to rip the brakes out. At the very mention of her being somewhat under the weather…everyone in the world knows she's depressed; and thus, the universe is concerned.

And you know… poor Cloud Mike. Not only does he have the blandest name in the series, but he's also being forced to like Bella. That's cruel Meyer. Of course you know that this is the perfect opportunity to make Mike as one dimension as possible by making him clearly pleased that Edward is giving Bella the much needed silent treatment, and making him twice as intrusive. I mean, even kids these days are much more…I dunno…deceptive about it. Pretending they don't notice is like their way of thinking they have some sort of cool romance experience. When in reality, you'd have to be an idiot to find Bella's story believable even omitting anything supernatural.

In the immortal words of Phil Collins; "I can't dance."

And apparently neither can Princess Bella. Since her negativity leeches off her like shit in a Taco Bell bathroom. Someone is being kind enough to encourage her to have fun and her response?

Well…

I'll give you my version:

"I'm not going."
"You'll have fun."
"No, you go ask that boy who's obsessed with me out to the dance—he'll probably turn you down—and I'll mope right here about how much I think you're an attention whore, only hanging out with me because I'm Popular~!"
"What was that?"
"You have fun with Mike."

And yet she surprised when her friend shows up the next day depressed. Man, I hate school dances. They always end up in books like this. Worse off, this particular dance requires the girls to ask the boys out. But moving on; Mike later says he was hoping, in a round about way, she'd go with him. This brings us to Bella the habitual liar; telling him to go with Jessica because suddenly she's leaving for Seattle on the weekend. I find this outrageously ironic, considering she's upset at Edward for not keeping to his word thus far.

I noticed something that I honestly hope was a typo: "just because he'd happened to look at me for the first time in a half-dozen weeks".

In a half-dozen weeks?

A Half-dozen?

You mean: "just because he'd happened to look at me for the first time in a month and a half [or six weeks]."?

Because "a half-dozen weeks" sounds like someone needs to go back and reapply for their creative writing degree.

For middle school.

How the fuck'd the editor miss that?

Edward decides to speak to Bella for a brief moment here…letting us know he doesn't wanna talk to Bella. Righty-O Captain Planet. For being such an old vampire he's sure fitting the bill of dumbass kid….

Oh wait. I'm not supposed to know that part yet. Never mind. Ignore I said anything. You know, despite the fact that they give it away on the fucking back of the book. That really helps make me wonder about the mysterious sex-muffin Edward.

You know, I feel I should write a book that gives away the biggest plot twist. It'll totally be a self insert too, and my dream man will have long luscious hair and whisk me away into the sunset. The back of the book will say:

"About three things I was absolutely positive.
First, this guy is gay.
Second, he wants to rape the shit outta me.
Three….I'ma probably let him."

I will make billions.

Back to the tale at hand; the part where Edward rightfully says they should not be friends. Well, it's good to know he has some sense in the beginning. Which—considering this book is big enough to kill spiders on my carpeted floor—I gather that she doesn't take his kind advice.

Oh yay. This is the part I was waiting so eagerly for actually. The part where Bella makes like an ass and bawws at Edward with: "I know you regret saving me!" [See. Wrist Slashing Drama]. It doesn't help that Bella is such a huge fucking brat. She throws silly accusations right here, then gets mad when he gets mad. Maybe next time I throw boiling coffee at someone's face, I'll get mad at them for getting mad at me. Sorry bastards. Then I'll storm out like Bella did, making sure to drop hot coffee on myself while I'm at it; you know, since she's clumsy and shit. I'm familiar with burns. You should see my first aid kit. I could save small countries with my purple box of healing doom. I even have leeches in there. [No I don't, but I should. Every first aid box should.]

After failing at existing [or rather, simply Gym Class], Bella goes to her truck to be confronted by Eric [the nerdy lil shit no one cares about.] Which, Bella states something I find hilarious: "I wasn't paying attention to the uncomfortable edge in his voice". Hm. How unusual. For not paying attention to it, she sure noticed it well enough to recount it. Eric then asks her to the dance in a round about way, which she restates her lie from before.

Here is where I will state a pleasant response. Eric then says: "Maybe next time", and leaves. No whining, no over jealous behavior, no lingering around to cause drama. That was nice…

…Then Edward the Gleaming Ray of Magnificence shows up.

…Oh? Wait…what is this? She doesn't stop and stare maddeningly at his glorious face? Actually, she hops in her truck and gets ready to leave, which Edward is kind enough to pull out of his parking space and cut her off from leaving. Like a boss. That's right Edward, piss off the chick you're going to have a demon spawn wit-

Whoops. I'm not supposed to know that yet.

…Pffft….HAHAHA. I had to actually type my haha for this…Okay, so Bella is being held up by Edward's car [he's waiting for his "family"], and more people get backed up during this time. Right behind her is Tyler, the poor fellow who failed to kill her last chapter. He gets out of his newly acquired Sentra [lol gay] and goes to her truck window…to ask her if she'd ask him to the dance. So she tells him again, the same story and away walks Tyler. Again, I'm impressed these minor bastards take it so well.

Edward, meanwhile, is laughing at her after watching her in the rearview window. Like a boss. What a sadistic asshole. For about ten seconds right here, I connected with Edward.

Bella goes home after all off it, makes some dinner and talks to Jessica. Jessica was beaming about how Cloud Mike accepted her invitation and conveniently enough, Bella was able to suggest that two of her friends ask Eric and Tyler. What an excellent way to write off all those characters into plausible pairings without even having to address them. The Author Doesn't Really Give A Shit meter is raging full right here.

I was actually more interested in hearing about Bella's ridiculous "plans" at this point. She mentions how it's obvious Edward is pushing her away. She's uninteresting in comparison—well, no shit. She says then how she will get through her "self-imposed purgatory" and hopefully some place southwest or Hawaii will offer her a scholarship. Righty-O, Wonder Woman. And I'd like Enrique Iglesias to hand deliver me my newspaper…shirtless, while singing to me.

"Only in this small town would a father know when high school dances were," Says Bella to herself, while she's trying to get her dad to accept that she was going to Seattle all by her little self. Now, I can understand a male in any house not giving two shits about a dance, however…

Her dad is the Police Chief. He'd be a pretty huge piece of shit if he didn't know when major things are happening that involve hoards of idiot teenagers likely to do idiot things. Not to mention, any decent parent who has a child interested in anything, should be paying attention when their child tells them about stuff, and dances excite many teens. So yes, even in a big town, a father would hear of a high school dance. Considering my high school had signs on the welcome board saying "School Dance! [insert date]" on it.

In a blaze faster than a cat running from my car when I try to run it over, Meyer switches scenes, and Bella is back at school. She drops her keys like a dumbass and Edward the Dazzling Hunk-Pie picks her keys up in a flash of spectacular-ness. When asked, he merely says: "Bella, it's not my fault if you are exceptionally unobservant."

What a condescending asshole…

And I connect with Edward for a split second once more.

Then he mentions how he held up the traffic so Tyler could do his thing. What a prick.

I would have so done that.

He tells Bella she's absurd for thinking her stupid teenage hormone induced thoughts about how he wants her dead.

…I feel a bonding going on between me and this fictional character here.

Then I remind myself that it will only last til the end of the page and I'm sad again. But I will press on. I shall persevere. For science! Or just your entertainment. You sick bastards.

[I'm joking.]

_[Maybe]

I suppose I can't be all haterade up in this joint and I do have something positive to say, so… I was more than happy when Edward did not ask her to the dance, but rather if she'd like a ride to Seattle.

Even though I think it's ridiculous that the same guy who had pages before said: "Do not want", is now asking her to go joy riding with him; I was happy to see the direction taken away from insufferable dances.  Bella is as confused as I am in regards to his sudden change of mind and when he explains it clearly, she describes it as: "He enunciated every syllable, as if he were talking to someone mentally handicapped."

She figured it out. Now she can get the assistance she needs to stop making fools of mentally handicapped folk.

Bella somewhat declines his offer, so Eddy-baby uses other…excuses to get her alone in his car. Such as: her truck may not make it, and well you're wasting gas with that fuel guzzler! For once, she's smart enough to realize something is wrong in his bipolar head and reminds him that he's the one who didn't want to be friends. Effectively Bella gave him a, "Cool Story, Bro" response.

The thrilling conclusion to chapter four has Edward being as wishy washy as Bella and dashing any connection I had with the prick version of Edward. As of this moment, I'm completely disconnecting Edward as a singular character. Edward is now: Prick Edward and Dumbass Edward. Just before he waltzes away he asks her if she'd go, then says; "Oh but you should stay away from me."

To summarize this entire chapter in five sentences:

Bella has Wet-Eddy dreams.
Edward ignores Bella.
Everyone asks Bella to the dance.
Bella lies to make people go away.
Edward unbunches his panties to get Bella to ride with him.

It wasn't nearly as bad as chapter one and two, but a step down from three simply because the words "school dance" existed in the chapter at all. If you can't tell, I really don't like school dance themes. So, I have at least a little hope that chapter five will avoid even the passing thought of the dreaded school dance.

Well…I'm out of clever things to say. Fuck this book. I'm going back to playing Portal.

David.