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Review of Chapter Four
From Twilight
By Stephenie Meyer

Quick recap from previous chapters tell you that Bella Swan moved to Forks because she's a masochist, every boy in the world must be in love with her [even if they're gay] and Tyler's van didn't succeed in its assassination mission. Quite a riveting tale, no?

So here I go again, with my bag of F-bombs, Wonka Runts, the Terminator 4 Sound Track and a crappy book that's probably not even worth being drug across my ass.

Mainly because who really wants hard paper on their backside? I don't. I like my soft tissue. It's got puppies and shit on the logo.

In the beginning of this chapter, Bella described a dream where apparently Edward has a severe case of radiation and probably need to be contaminated. She's trying to run toward him and can't seem to catch up.

For god's sake woman, hasn't anyone told you not to go toward the light? You like…die or something. Is it just me, or is Edward being the light in this dark dream world some kind of crappy symbolism?

Don't go to the Twilight. Reading this book will kill you. Stop doing it.

As if Bella wasn't the center of attention enough, apparently the accident from the previous chapter gets her even moar! She's being followed by the kid who almost killed her and she's whining about how he's trying to makes amends, describing him as a potentially new "unwelcome fan".

Wow. I suppose I should tell the next person who wants to make amends with me to go fuck himself. In the ass. While he's doing that, grab a mirror and a camera and take pictures so I can post them on the internet.

Apparently in the crazy accident, no one but Bella had seen Edward standing on the other side of the world from her, before he Instant Transmissioned over to her. Of course, this is explained in the fact that only Bella was so aware of the hot mother fucker. And of course, no one would even think of asking him what happened. Since the accident [a week later by this point] Eddy-pie had gone back to being a total bitch-tits and the only possible reason could be that he regretted not letting the van exact its revenge.

Well, regardless of the Van's failure, Edward-chan decided that he's not gonna have anything to do with Bella. So Bella watches him like a creeper. I mean…seriously. She watches him so hard his eyes change colors. Which I still find funny, as she would have to make it pretty damn obvious she was watching him for her to notice his eyes changing colors from a golden color to black. Considering it's not something you can notice from staring at the back of someone's head.

Then again, this is Bella. She can see Edward's eyes change from the other side of a brick wall. Without a Portal Gun, mind you.

Without Edward to pretend to give a single flying fuck about her, she's fallen into a serious depression. [Gotta love the simplicity of teenage problems]. She does have a little reason to be upset, considering he hasn't explained jack shit to her, but really…Bella…If I was Edward, I would have lied to you and then gone to your truck to rip the brakes out. At the very mention of her being somewhat under the weather…everyone in the world knows she's depressed; and thus, the universe is concerned.

And you know… poor Cloud Mike. Not only does he have the blandest name in the series, but he's also being forced to like Bella. That's cruel Meyer. Of course you know that this is the perfect opportunity to make Mike as one dimension as possible by making him clearly pleased that Edward is giving Bella the much needed silent treatment, and making him twice as intrusive. I mean, even kids these days are much more…I dunno…deceptive about it. Pretending they don't notice is like their way of thinking they have some sort of cool romance experience. When in reality, you'd have to be an idiot to find Bella's story believable even omitting anything supernatural.

In the immortal words of Phil Collins; "I can't dance."

And apparently neither can Princess Bella. Since her negativity leeches off her like shit in a Taco Bell bathroom. Someone is being kind enough to encourage her to have fun and her response?


I'll give you my version:

"I'm not going."
"You'll have fun."
"No, you go ask that boy who's obsessed with me out to the dance—he'll probably turn you down—and I'll mope right here about how much I think you're an attention whore, only hanging out with me because I'm Popular~!"
"What was that?"
"You have fun with Mike."

And yet she surprised when her friend shows up the next day depressed. Man, I hate school dances. They always end up in books like this. Worse off, this particular dance requires the girls to ask the boys out. But moving on; Mike later says he was hoping, in a round about way, she'd go with him. This brings us to Bella the habitual liar; telling him to go with Jessica because suddenly she's leaving for Seattle on the weekend. I find this outrageously ironic, considering she's upset at Edward for not keeping to his word thus far.

I noticed something that I honestly hope was a typo: "just because he'd happened to look at me for the first time in a half-dozen weeks".

In a half-dozen weeks?

A Half-dozen?

You mean: "just because he'd happened to look at me for the first time in a month and a half [or six weeks]."?

Because "a half-dozen weeks" sounds like someone needs to go back and reapply for their creative writing degree.

For middle school.

How the fuck'd the editor miss that?

Edward decides to speak to Bella for a brief moment here…letting us know he doesn't wanna talk to Bella. Righty-O Captain Planet. For being such an old vampire he's sure fitting the bill of dumbass kid….

Oh wait. I'm not supposed to know that part yet. Never mind. Ignore I said anything. You know, despite the fact that they give it away on the fucking back of the book. That really helps make me wonder about the mysterious sex-muffin Edward.

You know, I feel I should write a book that gives away the biggest plot twist. It'll totally be a self insert too, and my dream man will have long luscious hair and whisk me away into the sunset. The back of the book will say:

"About three things I was absolutely positive.
First, this guy is gay.
Second, he wants to rape the shit outta me.
Three….I'ma probably let him."

I will make billions.

Back to the tale at hand; the part where Edward rightfully says they should not be friends. Well, it's good to know he has some sense in the beginning. Which—considering this book is big enough to kill spiders on my carpeted floor—I gather that she doesn't take his kind advice.

Oh yay. This is the part I was waiting so eagerly for actually. The part where Bella makes like an ass and bawws at Edward with: "I know you regret saving me!" [See. Wrist Slashing Drama]. It doesn't help that Bella is such a huge fucking brat. She throws silly accusations right here, then gets mad when he gets mad. Maybe next time I throw boiling coffee at someone's face, I'll get mad at them for getting mad at me. Sorry bastards. Then I'll storm out like Bella did, making sure to drop hot coffee on myself while I'm at it; you know, since she's clumsy and shit. I'm familiar with burns. You should see my first aid kit. I could save small countries with my purple box of healing doom. I even have leeches in there. [No I don't, but I should. Every first aid box should.]

After failing at existing [or rather, simply Gym Class], Bella goes to her truck to be confronted by Eric [the nerdy lil shit no one cares about.] Which, Bella states something I find hilarious: "I wasn't paying attention to the uncomfortable edge in his voice". Hm. How unusual. For not paying attention to it, she sure noticed it well enough to recount it. Eric then asks her to the dance in a round about way, which she restates her lie from before.

Here is where I will state a pleasant response. Eric then says: "Maybe next time", and leaves. No whining, no over jealous behavior, no lingering around to cause drama. That was nice…

…Then Edward the Gleaming Ray of Magnificence shows up.

…Oh? Wait…what is this? She doesn't stop and stare maddeningly at his glorious face? Actually, she hops in her truck and gets ready to leave, which Edward is kind enough to pull out of his parking space and cut her off from leaving. Like a boss. That's right Edward, piss off the chick you're going to have a demon spawn wit-

Whoops. I'm not supposed to know that yet.

…Pffft….HAHAHA. I had to actually type my haha for this…Okay, so Bella is being held up by Edward's car [he's waiting for his "family"], and more people get backed up during this time. Right behind her is Tyler, the poor fellow who failed to kill her last chapter. He gets out of his newly acquired Sentra [lol gay] and goes to her truck window…to ask her if she'd ask him to the dance. So she tells him again, the same story and away walks Tyler. Again, I'm impressed these minor bastards take it so well.

Edward, meanwhile, is laughing at her after watching her in the rearview window. Like a boss. What a sadistic asshole. For about ten seconds right here, I connected with Edward.

Bella goes home after all off it, makes some dinner and talks to Jessica. Jessica was beaming about how Cloud Mike accepted her invitation and conveniently enough, Bella was able to suggest that two of her friends ask Eric and Tyler. What an excellent way to write off all those characters into plausible pairings without even having to address them. The Author Doesn't Really Give A Shit meter is raging full right here.

I was actually more interested in hearing about Bella's ridiculous "plans" at this point. She mentions how it's obvious Edward is pushing her away. She's uninteresting in comparison—well, no shit. She says then how she will get through her "self-imposed purgatory" and hopefully some place southwest or Hawaii will offer her a scholarship. Righty-O, Wonder Woman. And I'd like Enrique Iglesias to hand deliver me my newspaper…shirtless, while singing to me.

"Only in this small town would a father know when high school dances were," Says Bella to herself, while she's trying to get her dad to accept that she was going to Seattle all by her little self. Now, I can understand a male in any house not giving two shits about a dance, however…

Her dad is the Police Chief. He'd be a pretty huge piece of shit if he didn't know when major things are happening that involve hoards of idiot teenagers likely to do idiot things. Not to mention, any decent parent who has a child interested in anything, should be paying attention when their child tells them about stuff, and dances excite many teens. So yes, even in a big town, a father would hear of a high school dance. Considering my high school had signs on the welcome board saying "School Dance! [insert date]" on it.

In a blaze faster than a cat running from my car when I try to run it over, Meyer switches scenes, and Bella is back at school. She drops her keys like a dumbass and Edward the Dazzling Hunk-Pie picks her keys up in a flash of spectacular-ness. When asked, he merely says: "Bella, it's not my fault if you are exceptionally unobservant."

What a condescending asshole…

And I connect with Edward for a split second once more.

Then he mentions how he held up the traffic so Tyler could do his thing. What a prick.

I would have so done that.

He tells Bella she's absurd for thinking her stupid teenage hormone induced thoughts about how he wants her dead.

…I feel a bonding going on between me and this fictional character here.

Then I remind myself that it will only last til the end of the page and I'm sad again. But I will press on. I shall persevere. For science! Or just your entertainment. You sick bastards.

[I'm joking.]


I suppose I can't be all haterade up in this joint and I do have something positive to say, so… I was more than happy when Edward did not ask her to the dance, but rather if she'd like a ride to Seattle.

Even though I think it's ridiculous that the same guy who had pages before said: "Do not want", is now asking her to go joy riding with him; I was happy to see the direction taken away from insufferable dances.  Bella is as confused as I am in regards to his sudden change of mind and when he explains it clearly, she describes it as: "He enunciated every syllable, as if he were talking to someone mentally handicapped."

She figured it out. Now she can get the assistance she needs to stop making fools of mentally handicapped folk.

Bella somewhat declines his offer, so Eddy-baby uses other…excuses to get her alone in his car. Such as: her truck may not make it, and well you're wasting gas with that fuel guzzler! For once, she's smart enough to realize something is wrong in his bipolar head and reminds him that he's the one who didn't want to be friends. Effectively Bella gave him a, "Cool Story, Bro" response.

The thrilling conclusion to chapter four has Edward being as wishy washy as Bella and dashing any connection I had with the prick version of Edward. As of this moment, I'm completely disconnecting Edward as a singular character. Edward is now: Prick Edward and Dumbass Edward. Just before he waltzes away he asks her if she'd go, then says; "Oh but you should stay away from me."

To summarize this entire chapter in five sentences:

Bella has Wet-Eddy dreams.
Edward ignores Bella.
Everyone asks Bella to the dance.
Bella lies to make people go away.
Edward unbunches his panties to get Bella to ride with him.

It wasn't nearly as bad as chapter one and two, but a step down from three simply because the words "school dance" existed in the chapter at all. If you can't tell, I really don't like school dance themes. So, I have at least a little hope that chapter five will avoid even the passing thought of the dreaded school dance.

Well…I'm out of clever things to say. Fuck this book. I'm going back to playing Portal.

Previous Chapters: :star: [link]

Please note that I'm not insulting anyone who likes this book. I personally have tastes a little too strict for Twilight to be any good to me.

I'd once said I was washing my hands of Twilight and I have not lied. This is not a writing to tell you to hate Twilight or a rant to make people angry. This is a detailed look at the fourth chapter of Twilight for my own ability to tell you exactly how I feel and why I can't take this book for anything other than a book I would have rejected.

Please also note that my grammar is not perfect, and I'm not saying it is, but when I can easily note the writing style has flaws, that means so could the editor and Stephenie Meyer should have been able as she boasts having a degree in English.

Other wise, please be warned of swearing.

Under FAQ #554: Is my deviation Mature Content?
dA states: * Strong Language-Profanity, vulgarity, and otherwise coarse or offensive language. This particular mature content tag is always considered to be optional as strong language is not otherwise regulated anywhere else within the deviantART community.

I opt not to mature tag it because I warn you here, as well as in the actual review.

Happy reading and you're welcome to disagree.
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I found this review to be a fabulous, humerous and accurate representation of this part of the Twilight Saga. Your portrayal of the relationship between Edward and Bella is completely correct, in that Edward is ludicrously awkward and uptight, and Bella is about as interesting and clingy as a limpet. I also found that the way you correctly made fun of the boys who -for no reason whatsoever- are attracted to Bella.

Your summing up of the chapter amusing yet agreeable, and has brought me even closer to realizing that the whole series was, in fact, the sappy recollections of two inexplicably love-struck, unpersonable characters.

I, too, found Bella to be shallow, irresponsible and and narrowminded, while Edward always came across as uptight, dramatic, and - well- homosexual.

Thank you for your blunt, humerous and detailed description of Twilight. I am also quite surprised but pleased that most of your viewers loved it!
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3208 Featured By Owner Dec 28, 2013
I love you! 
SuperHeroSockMonkey Featured By Owner Dec 27, 2012  Hobbyist
Without a Portal Gun.... :XD:
bladedfanfighter Featured By Owner Dec 7, 2012  Student General Artist
"Without a Portal Gun, mind you." Beautiful moment right there. Also, I can't stop laughing while reading this review. Hope you're happy.
1951-VampHollow Featured By Owner Jul 19, 2012
Your version of "three things I'm absolutely positive" cracked me up the most. I never liked Twilight. Then again, I haven't found a nice romance novel. Well, maybe Dragon Lady.
Then the next one was "Whoops" right after mentioning the half-devil baby. Honestly, you didn't fail at making me laugh. I found other ways to look at the loathed book called "Twilight". Wait, I like the time twilight. Did that book made it look worse?
Anyway, that's a nice summary to sum things up.
And I have been laughing in the previous chapters. I just didn't bother with the comments until now. Keep it up! The Twilight Saga is about to end... in Nov.
SaphrontheQuirky Featured By Owner Dec 17, 2011  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
lol I'd read that fuckin' book.
LikeYouWannaKnow Featured By Owner Dec 1, 2011  Hobbyist Digital Artist
"About three things I was absolutely positive.
First, this guy is gay.
Second, he wants to rape the shit outta me.
Three….I'ma probably let him."

LOL man that made my day. Thanks x)
froggermea96 Featured By Owner Nov 1, 2011  Student Filmographer
Edward, meanwhile, is laughing at her after watching her in the rearview window. Like a boss. What a sadistic asshole. For about ten seconds right here, I connected with Edward. LOL
Blue-Demon-Hybrid Featured By Owner Oct 31, 2011
I would ditch that waste of paper and ink to play anything too, especially Portal.
Phlooz Featured By Owner Oct 2, 2011
About three things I was absolutely positive.
First, this guy is gay.
Second, he wants to rape the shit outta me.
Three….I'ma probably let him."

B-but... I would absolutely read that ,;u;
trytocare Featured By Owner Oct 30, 2011
i would too... - might be interesting, and if not i have gained the right to say it sucks (cos' i hate people bitching about something they know nothing about)
Rriela Featured By Owner Oct 25, 2011
So would I, my friend, so would I...
Saffronesque Featured By Owner Aug 11, 2011
Reading this at 3 am is amazing.
I can only imagine what it would be if I was high.
PFFT...LMAO! (I would seriously buy that book if you wrote it :P)
Petit-Hibou Featured By Owner Jul 30, 2011  Hobbyist General Artist
I would so ditch the book to play Portal too.
RomulusRat Featured By Owner Jul 25, 2011  Hobbyist General Artist
"About three things I was absolutely positive.
First, this guy is gay.
Second, he wants to rape the shit outta me.
Three….I'ma probably let him."
I would totally read that:dummy:
KorukiKonaru Featured By Owner Jul 23, 2011
Reading this+ Listening to Bloody Tears= WIN
Miku98 Featured By Owner Jul 7, 2011  Hobbyist Digital Artist
This made my day so much better.
TheEELeater Featured By Owner Jul 3, 2011
"About three things I was absolutely positive.
First, this guy is gay.
Second, he wants to rape the shit outta me.
Three….I'ma probably let him."

And don't forget, he also creeps on her while she sleeps.

Surprise buttsex. I MEAN
keroseneSteve Featured By Owner Jul 3, 2011  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
Ohhh man XD Dad told me to stop laughing or I'd wake up my sister... Damn, these are good.
catbear305968 Featured By Owner Jun 28, 2011  Student Traditional Artist
I just want to get to the chapter where they introduce SexyMcTeenWolfCasinoPants aka Jacob Black
everdeen13 Featured By Owner Jun 27, 2011  Hobbyist Writer
I miss these reviews D: Please write more soon.
scorpio-lee17 Featured By Owner Jun 25, 2011
ChildofAura Featured By Owner Jun 21, 2011  Hobbyist General Artist
Honestly, the only reason I would hope that Meyers keeps writing Twilight is so that you keep writing reviews. Other than that, she should stop all together.
Elendil-Kitten Featured By Owner Jun 19, 2011
I am enjoying these reviews so much! I've actually read all four Twilight books (because once I start a series I kinda have to finish it :P) and reading your review has just dragged up all the things I thought last time I read them :D

Next chapter review please?
Akondo3264 Featured By Owner Jun 13, 2011  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
lmao I love you so much
inuko93 Featured By Owner Jun 10, 2011  Student General Artist
Lol I really like your reviews XD They're so awesome! Twilight is really bad, but I have to admit to the fact that I did once like it but that was like at the beginning middle school. I'm not sure if I was just sick of hearing about the books or if when I reread it in high school I was more mature and could recognize what bad writing was. XD I mean I can write better than Meyer!!! But please continue these reviews they are great! =D
Gabalot Featured By Owner Jun 4, 2011  Hobbyist General Artist
"About three things I was absolutely positive.
First, this guy is gay.
Second, he wants to rape the shit outta me.
Three….I'ma probably let him."

1. Make it a manga.
3. Congrats, you have yoai fangirls in boatloads buying it.
AssClownFish Featured By Owner Jun 4, 2011
:lol: =FlowingAway and I are already a dA celebrity pairing~
Gabalot Featured By Owner Jun 4, 2011  Hobbyist General Artist

I can hear the yaoi fangirls squealing already...
Zelda-Seventh-Sage Featured By Owner Jun 3, 2011  Hobbyist General Artist
You made my night, I got up, and fed the dusty copy of Twilight to my dog.


I think it killed him.
NoClueKid90 Featured By Owner May 26, 2011
This made my day. DoItForTheLulz: He reads it so we don't have to XD
everdeen13 Featured By Owner Jun 27, 2011  Hobbyist Writer
amymist Featured By Owner May 19, 2011  Student General Artist
This was great.

Also, I am visualizing Portal/Twilight crossovers, a thing which should not be imagined.

On the plus side, it's bloody hilarious.
The-paleWhite Featured By Owner May 18, 2011
This is absolutely hilarious! :XD:
I do like the Twilight books though, but I must admit that they gave vampires a bad name... And your writing is sooo good! Ah man, just what I needed; a good laugh in an awfully boring day.

Katy-SAMA Featured By Owner May 15, 2011
thankyou for giving me a much needed laugh when I have been feeling ill and depressed- it's things like this that make me believe that laughter truly is the best medicine
NeednKnow Featured By Owner May 11, 2011
I have a confession to make: I was one of those girls brainwashed by this thing, but then a friend (actually, the same one who suggested this book to me) opened my names. @_@

Anyway, I can't wait until you get to the letter where she proclaims her love, or even the angel chapter or whatever! Haha, wow. Ooh, especially when the future werewolf gets into the scene. :D
pfieffer Featured By Owner May 8, 2011  Hobbyist General Artist
Once again you made me laugh while pointing out the amount of things wrong yet true about the worst book ever written. Great job.
SilantWanderer Featured By Owner May 6, 2011  Hobbyist Photographer
Thanks for another humorous review. I'm glad that someone understands WHY Twilight is so bad. The characters have no depth, no personality, and are so bi-polar no one knows where north or south even is anymore. Keep it up :D
Zeartist Featured By Owner May 6, 2011  Hobbyist Writer
Enlightening to those who have never heard of Twilight. If they havn't...I'm jealous of them. lol

I could have done something like this but chose not to, I figured my one review got my points across.

Twilight itself is proof that anything will get published, so long as it will make money.
MorbidFool Featured By Owner May 5, 2011  Student Digital Artist
Is Edward some sort of masochist?
Dracula at least went batshit crazy after being hit with his own garden shovel. o_o
Temmulp Featured By Owner May 5, 2011
As usual, you are awesome.
AssClownFish Featured By Owner May 5, 2011
:dummy: I'd say I try, but that's be a lie.
Temmulp Featured By Owner May 6, 2011
Haha, and yet, you never cease to amuse me ;P
Chicky-the-Dragon Featured By Owner May 4, 2011  Hobbyist Writer
:rofl: I love your reviews, they're so entertaining.
Silence-Emily Featured By Owner May 3, 2011  Hobbyist Writer
You're much more than persistent than I am.
I wrote notes in the book until page fifty then gave up because of so much failure. xD
Spiritlobo Featured By Owner May 3, 2011  Student Writer
I was reading this just as I came across an idea: what if the car actually did hit Bella, and everything afterwards is just a coma dream? Hell, what if this was just a dream from the start: moving to forks, meeting the fanboys, the edward shit--what is this is all just in the mind of a (how old is she again?) girl?

Probably thinking too much into this, but would explain so much @_@
Silence-Emily Featured By Owner May 3, 2011  Hobbyist Writer
Ohmigosh it would explain so much. 8D
CountessFoxington Featured By Owner May 2, 2011
Another great review. Full of lolz and witty comments, just as it should be if it's coming from you. *tips hat* Keep writing these. Very amusing.
TheOrangeElephant Featured By Owner May 2, 2011  Hobbyist
i love them all. laughs i really needed. thanks!
W0lfxer0 Featured By Owner May 2, 2011  Hobbyist General Artist
:iconboneplz: I find this humerus.
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